I was shopping at my favorite store (Target) this weekend, and I ran into one of my old students. My students who were freshmen back when I was teaching are now seniors in high school, and it's normal for me to run into one every few months. They ask about my baby, because I was 9 months pregnant with Ava the last time they saw me. They're always shocked to see that I have 2 kids now. I've also been shocked to see one or two of them pregnant as well. It used to be that they would hug me excitedly and tell me how much they miss me when I'd run into them. Now they mostly don't care that much, but they still ask the same question - Why didn't you come back?
I get that question from just about everyone who knows that I used to teach. They want to know why I'm not teaching and if I'll ever go back. I've always answered quite honestly that I'm not sure. I miss teaching, but I'd miss my kids much more if I couldn't be with them. Economically it makes no sense for me to go back. With two kids I'd spend just about everything I make to pay someone else to raise them. But if I had a job that paid much more I still wouldn't trade that for the chance to be with my girls. Also, teaching is such an emotionally taxing job that I think I'd have little to offer my kids at the end of the day. I have many logical reasons for not teaching; however, I still feel a little guilty.
Ok, I said it. I feel guilty that I'm not teaching. If I left any other job to be a mom, I really don't think I'd feel guilty about it, but teaching is something that you do because you love it. You love the kids, you love the subject, you love to make a difference. Every great teacher I've met had the talent to have "made it" doing something else, but chose to teach because it was his or her life's calling. I feel guilty that I'm not teaching because of the investment made in me by my graduate program and fellow mentoring teachers. I also feel guilty because it's something that I love to do and I do it well.
I know I need to let go of the guilt. I'm teaching my children, and that is plenty. Someday too soon, they'll be off at school and then I'll probably go back. And when people ask if I want to teach again, I need to let go of the urge to justify my choice to them (really to myself) and just feel lucky that I have a choice and I made the right one for myself.
11 years ago
4 comments:
i know i'm glad i have you around...and then again, there's always a writing workshop that could be on the horizon.
You didn't quit teaching... you helped me through college! I had a very sexy tutor!
I used to be a teacher too- and I must say I have never felt guilty about not going back- although now that I've been gone for 6 years I am kind of getting the urge to go back someday. You pretty much said it all- no need to justify- you are teaching your children that it's more important for you to be with them than in the workforce. Someday when they are in school you can go back if you want to. That's my plan. One of the 8th graders I used to teach just got his mission call! That's a scary day.
Hey mind... there is no question that is a real issue for us women. When I decided to work only one day a week I actually had a collegue say (not to my face)"what a waste of an intelligent woman." You know-- it actually fueled my fire even more. There is no better place for me than in the home. Masters degree and all.
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